Feelings of a Monster
by AmoraLimeDragon
Summary: Loki didn't get the chance to let go from the Bifrost. He was saved from falling, but can he be saved from the harshness of reality. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel**

* * *

"No Loki"

Those two words spoke clearer to the Trickster than any he'd heard in centuries. They confirmed his insecurities and laid the truth out bare.

And it hurt because of it. Loki had never been able to handle the truth, perhaps that was why he was the god of lies.

 _No Loki_

 _You could never rule_

 _You're not good enough_

 _You'll never be good enough_

 _Thor will always be better_

 _A better king_

 _A better Prince_

 _And a better son_

 _You can never be my son_

 _You're a monster. A_ _ **monster**_

It was all true. He had always been a terrible prince, interested in books and magic like no true son of Odin, he should have been into fighting and feasting like Thor and the warriors three. Hel, even Sif would make a better prince than he.

And above all else Loki knew he was a monster. A Jotun. Nothing more than a bargaining chip that Odin only kept around all these years as some form of sick entertainment.

His whole life had been a lie, one huge twisted mess of pain and resentment, and as Loki hung there off the end of the Bifrost a thought crossed his mind. He could let go. It would be so easy, all he'd have to do was loose his grip on Gungnir and all this pain would end. He'd fall into the welcoming darkness of the void and it would be as if he never existed, the only remnants being a few forgotten trinkets in a room of the castle and some blurry memories of hatred. It sounded so surreal that for a moment Loki almost laughed.

He took one last look into the eyes of the man he once called father and saw nothing but disappointment and began to uncurl his fingers. . .

And that day Loki let go but he never fell.

Instead of being greeted by the soothing black nothingness that he so craved he found his feet planted on firm ground and it took him a moment to realise he was back on the Bifrost.

It took him another moment to realise that someone was speaking to him. It was Thor.

"Loki? Are you okay? Brother?"

Loki could only blink at him, his silver tongue failing miserably.

Odin placed his hand on Thor's shoulder and turned him away towards Asgard and father and son began to walk back towards the golden city leaving Loki behind.

It was in that moment that Loki was fully pulled back into reality and the sincerity of his crimes hit him hard in the face. He'd killed the ruler of another realm, waged war on Jotunheim and almost killed his own brother – No Thor was not his brother and Odin was definitely not his father, he'd just proved that. They didn't love him.

 _But then why did they save you on the Bifrost instead of killing you like you deserve?_ The small voice in the back of his head piped up.

There wasn't time for this, he could deal with this later. So Loki swallowed his confused emotions, schooled his face into a blank mask and strode off down the Bifrost, head held high with as must courage as he could muster.

* * *

The journey back to Asgard was long and as the trio entered the city whispers followed them everywhere. Loki tried to ignore them the best he could, but they wriggled their way into his head and echoed around his skull.

" _Look, it's the king!"_

" _Prince Thor's back!"_

" _What's happened?"_

" _Did they destroy the Bifrost?"_

" _It's Prince Loki"_

" _I bet it's his fault"_

" _Is it true that Prince Loki caused the Odinsleep?"_

" _What about the Jotuns?"_

* * *

When they reached the Palace Frigga was waiting for them, worry clearly written on her face.

"What happened?" She asked, voice stern as she took in the battle damage adorning her two sons.

"Loki tried to kill me again" Thor answered venomously, staring at his younger sibling with white hot fury.

It vaguely crossed said younger siblings mind as to where the concern Thor had showed on the Bifrost had disappeared to, but his attention was quickly stolen by the horrified look in his mother's eyes.

She hid her face in her husband's side so she didn't have to look at the monster her son had become. Loki's heart sank to his boots, why hadn't he ended it when he had the chance, anything to avoid the horrible feeling that was gnawing at his insides right now.

Odin met his gaze, that one blue eye still practically radiating disappointment "Loki, for your actions I will have to punish you, but I ask of you only one thing. Why?"

There were so many things Loki wanted to say, so many things he wanted to make them understand. But he couldn't, for the second time that day he found himself lost for words. He just couldn't explain how he felt as king, all the emotions raging inside of him, the fear, the rage, the hate. So he didn't say any of it.

"I did what I saw right as king"

Odin nodded sincerely.

"Very Well. Loki Odinson, for your crimes against Jotunheim, Midgard and Asgard, the attempted murder the crown prince of Asgard and the murder of Laufey king of Jotunheim I hereby strip you of your powers and cast you out!"

Loki stood emotionless as he was banished, after all he was a monster and monsters don't feel, even as they're being torn apart. So Loki took his banishment like the monster he was, cold and unfeeling. He knew there was no way back, golden Thor had only been allowed back because he was desperately needed. No-one ever needed Loki, not now, not ever. He would be stuck on Midgard forever, he would never see the golden city of Asgard again; but it didn't bother Loki because he was a monster and monsters don't feel hurt, but at the moment Loki truly didn't feel like he was much of a monster.

The last thing Loki heard before he was sucked into the portal was Frigga's quiet sobs and his own racing heart.

Loki crashed full pelt into the New Mexico desert, he groaned as he forced himself to sit up, his abused back exploding in pain. A few meters away was the huge crater that Mjolnir had created when it had plummeted to earth, the mortal facility build around it was completely gone now, he vaguely wondered who they were, not that it really mattered now.

Loki stood up; despite the fact that there was nothing for him on Midgard he couldn't stay here, he had to go somewhere. So he began walking. The town of Puente Antiguo wasn't so far away, well what was left of it, and there probably wasn't any help for him there considering what he'd done to the place but it was a start.

So Loki began walking, he had nothing left and was walking towards nothing better. He told himself it was what he deserved, but for the heartless monster he was he felt pretty heartbroken.

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 **Review? Please?**


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